Why Do I Need It And Not Like It?

The last few days of my life have been tough….Do I need to say that? I mean it’s cliche and of course not because it was again my choice. And as you know, you always have to repent for every wrong choice you make. Well, walking on the side of the road every time when I go to buy veggies and groceries gives me a sense of pride. I know I sound silly. But yeah, I am being honest.

Well, it's my story of being lonely or maybe spending time alone. You can take it the way you want. Three days back, almost half of the nation and a few people worldwide were celebrating the Chatth festival. The festival of purity, immense belief, recognizing willpower, and most importantly, the festival that teaches us to worship the setting sun.

This festival is marked by the gathering of people. According to the ritual, people go to ghats where the festival is celebrated. The whole house looks like a wedding place as in every corner some or the person seems busy doing stuff related to the festival.

It's been three years that I haven’t been to my place for the festival. The first year I spent crying for the complete 3 days. The next year, it was just a few drops of tears and this year I decided not to feel homesick rather find ways to feel homely. So, I discovered a place where Chatth was getting celebrated in the city where I have shifted recently.

It’s a temple and a few people did make arrangements for the festival. I went there and then boom. I was all alone in a place where I could find no familiar face. No one knew me and I was standing in the middle of the temple just looking for a face that can recognize me. But a complete disappointment. Still, there happened to be no such gesture to feel homelike.

Inside I was feeling homesick. It was a feeling where I was eating up all myself. At times, I felt like I am standing on an isolated island. Whereas the other time I felt like I am hooked to a place full of crowds and I am invisible to them. Why was that loneliness haunting me? In fact, I was craving to stay alone for a few days just to explore myself and give a bit of my time to myself. But WHY AM I NOT LIKING IT WHEN I NEEDED IT?

Later, I realized that maybe I am not sure what I want. Yes! I crave things but the other time I don’t like them the way it is. Do I sound crazy? I might seem to. But I feel like there is chaos inside me. We often crave for kinds of stuff maybe sometimes materialistic and at times emotional. But when we get it, we don’t adore its value.

Maybe it’s not just me, but many others might be going through this. People may be facing such kinds of situations where they feel like getting things their way. But the moment it comes to you, your mind and your heart lose that feeling of excitement. Why does this happen?

Many a time when I get infuriated with things, I feel like leaving all the stuff and moving to hills just to attain peace. But there’s a second thought that leaves a trail of chaos in my mind stating that maybe I won’t find that peace there too. But the question is why is this chaos expanding like it’s endless?

I am leaving this piece of writing here itself with the hope to find an answer soon. I will wait till I find the answer and maybe in my next post, I could identify the cause of the chaos making me dissatisfied. Is there anyone else who is going through such an ambiguous situation? Do let me know if you are facing similar circumstances. I would love to get empathized.