Horror, Roar, And Screams

Netflix and I have been dating for a few days. Daily dates with long 2 hours of quality time and psychological thrillers on the plate. Well, every time we are together, the date cuisine turns out to be tastier, sometimes crime, sometimes romantic, and more often drama. Well, this is how chilly winter days are being spent in a disgusting room full of loneliness and painted with dullness.

Yesterday night was full of horror. With the temperature getting down and my mind getting blocked, somehow I went into a deep sleep. But the background music in deep sleep was the tap water running down the sink. I mean it was clueless for me. What is the logic actually? Suddenly, as I tossed onto my left, I heard a sound, and I woke up in fear. I sat on my bed and for a moment calmed myself down.

Next, I cursed the boring spooky room for a complete 5 mins. Later, searched from where the sound was coming, and yes guess what! Eureka moment. It was a pathetic rat that almost made me realize myself as a sociopath till it came in front of my eyes. Holy shit! This creepy creature turned my sweet winter sleep into some horror scene.

But But But……..

I am pretty sure of the fact that there is something that my mind is dealing with. A fear maybe or disgust or dissatisfaction kind of. These sleepless nights, utter loneliness, crazy binge-watching, and getting into a mode of introversion is somewhere eating me up. Is it the fear of getting detached from the world? Or maybe the fear of not getting things done at the right place? Am I scared of seeing myself as someone who I wasn’t till now?

Life has become some sort of a horror movie. I am roaring deep down to myself for having restricted the things that I don’t need to. My heart is screaming loud to make me hear clear that I need to take things easy. More often I behave as I have lost everything in life. And at times I am lost like no one is around. In the midst of figuring out what is hurting me, I end up hurting myself.

Every day for me starts with a new date and ends with an interesting suspicious story. An escape for me to skip into a mode far from fascination and not dwell on things that I would try not to remember but end up thinking about that. I might be sounding a bit disturbed, distracted, and dull. Oh yeah! I am actually. Because some scars are not yet leaving me alone.

Well, the horror and thrill are not what I see on my personal device but what I see within myself. I am scared of my condition. Something that’s not right, something that has no reason, and something that can’t be explained. Deep down, I feel dependent on things and people that are temporary and of course, they bring me a lot more disappointment. And it’s like sprinkling a pinch of salt to the wound that I am already carrying in my heart.

Now, making this confession no more negative and melancholic, I am taking a leave. But as I am writing this, there’s a fear instilling inside me whether today again I will be able to sleep peacefully or not? I want to stay away from the HORROR of my life, STOP ROARING to myself and unhear those SCREAMS coming out of my heart and soul together. Let’s hope to meet next time with some positives.